My New Book: “Standing Up” for (Pregnant) Dummies

Chapter One- Introduction
As many of us know, or have noticed, being pregnant brings a lot of intriguing looks from strangers. Specifically, when a pregnant lady is about to stand up. Right when the train stops at my station, it is like everyone’s private thoughts become auditable. “Is she going to make it?” “I don’t think she has the leg strength to stand up.” “Why is she out in public in that condition?” “Can’t… stop… staring!” “Did I forget to pack the banana with my lunch?”

So I thought that a book needed to be written to help those of us ailing from Humanoid Parasitic Syndrome (lovingly called “pregnancy” for short) to blend in better with the general population.

Chapter Two- Laying Down to Standing Up: A Lost Cause
(Note: This chapter has not been written yet because the author still hasn’t figured out how to stand up without using movements similar to a walrus’.)

Chapter Three- The Chair: Standing Up the Natural Way
Before beginning with Step 1, be sure to clear two feet in front of you and the chair. Using your feet to kick things out of the way is completely appropriate.

Step 1: Use a free hand to push against the back of the seat (this will make Step 2 easier).
Step 2: Shuffle your butt towards the edge of the chair.
Step 3: Spread your feet apart so that they are at least shoulder length apart.
Step 4: Angle your feet outward (the antithesis of pigeon toed).
Step 5: Find something/someone in front of you to pull on. (If nothing/no one is in front of you, proceed to Step 6B below.)
Step 6A: Lean forward and lift your butt out of the chair while pulling on the object/person in front of you with all your strength.
Step 7A: If the object/person in front of you is tall, use hand-over-hand movements to slowly help pull yourself up. (Think the rope climb in high school.) If the object/person is not tall, just pull harder and hope for the best. If you are using a person, grasp at any loose clothing, hair, or pocketbooks to make things easier.
Step 8A: Continue this step until you are in a standing position.

Step 6B: Reach around behind you and place one hand on the top of the seat back.
Step 7B: Lift your butt out of the chair and slowly rotate your body in the direction of your hand on the seat back.
Step 8B: Wink at anyone behind you to confuse them and redirect their attention to something/someone else.
Step 9B: Keep turning your body until you are facing the back of the chair. Shuffle your feet as necessary to avoid falling.
Step 10B: If you feel eyes on your butt from someone close, balance on one foot and kick the person directly in the face. State: “I am sorry, I did not see you there.”
Step 11B: Lift your chest upwards while you let go of the back of the chair.
Step 12B: Continue this step until you are in a standing position.
Step 13B: If you needed to complete step 10B, complete this step for good measure. Spin around quickly while raising your arms and “accidentally” punch the butt-starer in the face. Yell out: “Yatta!”

If there is no seat back and there is nothing/no one in front of you… ummm… please purchase the sequel to this book titled: “Oh SHIT, I am Sitting and Can’t Stand Up” for (Pregnant) Dummies.

Help Wanted: Illustrator. Pay- $0 per hour